A Stroll Down Coconut Street, and a View from the Time Machine

Arden & I talked for some time last night about coconuts, his missing turtle, and his time machine. He was trying to tell me a story of how he built up Coconut Street with coconuts by gathering them- I’m not sure if this is where the time machine entered or not- if he said he gathered them from trips in his time machine- but I think he did say he had to go to the Ghost Store- and at first I thought he meant grocery store- but after saying that a few times I realized he indeed meant to say Ghost Store- and he got the coconuts there and some glue to glue them down. And voila Coconut Street. The coconuts apparently didn’t stay the same size but grew some, getting bigger… I couldn’t tell at first where Coconut Street was… I thought at first he meant Sesame Street… but Coconut Street I think is an imaginative venture for him. The Ghost Store as well…

When he told me about his missing turtle, I don’t know what this turtle looks like, a plastic turtle that he used to play with until it was lost, well I don’t know if we threw it away or if he still has it somewhere and hasn’t found it, or if it is maybe imaginary. I don’t think it is imaginary. Anyway I told him about my ocarina… the one I used to have but lost when my parents split up. I still remember using it as a ray-gun to fight off monsters and aliens and such; I told Arden that and he laughed. Of course it was difficult telling him about the ocarina, I don’t think he has ever seen one, and my efforts at describing what it looks like were… misguided?



The ocarina looks like a submarine…!! Well does Arden know what a submarine looks like…? To be continued…

Arden @ IKEA

The Fourth of Arden

This post is already about a month old though I am posting today 6/30/11 most of it was put together about a month ago...

Arden’s 4th has come and gone. He hasn’t made that complete transition to ‘underwear’ yet. It seems boys are always slower than girls in this area. Really I am not too concerned about it; Arden is very close to making this transition and I know he will with a little more time.

It’s pretty obvious he is probably going to be left-handed, or possibly ambi… I know the roots of handedness seem basically genetic but I can’t think of anyone in my family I knew was left handed. Really I am not ready to write about his 4th yet…

I have been in something of a funk or daze for the last several days. I was sick about a week ago- on Arden’s birthday both Michelle and I were not feeling well- I stayed home from work but when we finally got home from his party at Chuck E Cheese I had to take to the bed. I really felt bad. I couldn’t communicate how badly I really felt. I was having chills, my body literally hurt, my legs especially, and I felt on the edge of passing out from time to time. I had a fever some of this time.

Ever since that time- for the past week- I haven’t felt quite right. I haven’t been feeling well, my body, again my legs especially, being in pain- well I don’t know what really has been going on. Of course along with all this, my usual feelings of exhaustion were even more pronounced and I just felt like I was walking around, a zombie, unable to narrow my thoughts to any kind of focus, to anything at all.

The usual litany, lack of money, lack of time, lack of energy, arguments with Chel about just anything or everything, I have been yelling at Arden even more than usual, but I couldn’t articulate any of this, I just felt really, really bad, really exhausted, as if I needed a few days sleep, and where was the money coming from for the next week or so… all the usual stuff but magnified beyond my ability to handle.

Prayer, medication, and time here I am. I felt last night, before I went to my night job, as if I had woken up from some kind of stupor. I couldn’t do anything while I was in that stupor so my part of taking care of various things at home just didn’t get done. But usually I am removed from this stuff by my hours at work, and my normal exhaustion anyway; I never get enough done around the house. Michelle constantly complains about that, I always feel very guilty, but trying to push through my limits is often next to impossible it seems for me.

The pain in my legs, from walking around on my job @ Wal-Mart I surmised, but really I don’t know what was really going on, but the pain was enough to make me cry, it just refused to go away, and trying to tell Michelle I was in this pain, well she is constantly combating fibromyalgia, so for her it is a way of life right now, but for me something new, and something I didn’t know how to deal with… so I cried. Took medication, tried to rest, pray, reach some equilibrium, and thanks to Him, and Michelle’s forbearance, I came through something.

Now part of me is under this weird impression He is trying to teach me a sort of lesson, more than one perhaps. He wants me to understand a little of what Michelle goes through in fibromyalgia, and how taxing it can be to your spirit. I have to admit this seems like a long reach, yet I have the feeling that one of the things I should be getting from this has to do with her pain. I set up a counseling session today for myself through EAP, for day after tomorrow. I realized too I am going through too much stuff. I am seeing a Christian counselor but whatever the fallout from participating in these sessions I think it can only be helpful.

Of course to come back to Arden and his birthday. I think he really enjoyed his birthday. Really to be honest we couldn’t afford what we did. Again we are in overdraft. He really enjoyed the games at Chuck E Cheese- but he got to spend this time with Jacob too. I don’t want to go into the subject of Quinn right now… Michelle and Quinn had hit it off when they first met… but a lot of stuff has happened since on several fronts. I can’t keep up. Suffice it to say Arden and Jacob are still friends.

I feel this stupor I have been in betokens several things, all of which are far from transparent to me as I am writing this. We are at a crossroads of sorts. Michelle isn’t happy, I am not happy, we are both tired of arguing but as tired as we get we still seem to argue. Arden somehow is probably happier than either of us. But I know everything gets to him sometimes too.

Our perspectives are just not coming together. Michelle on the home front sees so many things not getting the proper attention. I know she can’t do everything. And being with Arden all the time is utterly exhausting. And I can’t properly appreciate all that. I have an understanding of the difficulties inherent in her day-to-day life. We are always short on money. So she ends up spending more time at home than she wants- more time than I want her to spend there or Arden to spend there- and it drives her crazy. Arden too it goes without saying… I know it actually makes it harder to get everything done- even though she has more time- it works against her. I know that. I understand something about depression.

And me… working all the time, I am so tired most of the time I don’t even feel like communicating. I just want to lie down. Arden can’t understand all these things. Daddy is tired all the time and doesn’t play with him enough is what he does understand and on top of that Daddy yells at him too much. So all that is wonderful isn’t it? And it is the tip of the iceberg.

We were watching Housewives of New Jersey last nite- and this Italian family was having a christening. There were hundreds of people there. The father and his sister had a huge row- the entire place was turned upside down from his anger. He didn’t want to talk to his sister… and their problems went back a little ways. But it brought to the forefront of my mind again just how helpless we often seem to be in front of our anger. Michelle and I are much the same.

The anger takes over, bounces us around, till we are a little worse for the wear, and we emerge with our scars. Sometimes just internal, but we may have some bruises. Michelle likes to hit and throw things, she gets this stuff from her childhood, from her Mom. And I often feel like I have to defend myself. I can go for a little bit, enduring her words, her attacks, but usually she doesn’t just stop but keeps pushing and I start to push back. And she always tells me how Brandon never hit her, etc, but Brandon was closer her size than I am. When she hits me it hurts.

Arden just received yesterday his present from Martina, some race cars, more tracks to put together, but I think someone else is sending him something yet too. And we still have a bicycle to get him… I am constantly thinking of money, Michelle just got a ticket, one more thing to take care of, I still owe my brother $140, on and on. Michelle is fed up with samo samo as I am myself. I want to protect Arden from the world, and from us. That seems ridiculous.

And then Michelle, among the other things she reminds me of, is how my communication with my Mom isn’t what it should be. Still just because everybody in her family is trying to keep up with all the holidays, sending Easter cards, and Mother’s Day cards, well most of the men are gone in her family so Father’s Day is kind of empty, but you get my meaning, it doesn’t mean our family is screwed up cause we don’t do that. And it just isn’t something my family has indulged in with any regularity but she constantly criticizes me for not getting my Mom stuff. Well my Mom probably doesn’t want stuff anymore, not anymore than I do. Mostly I don’t want ‘stuff’ anymore. ‘Things” are mostly empty of meaning for me now. Not like being a kid.

The Sixth Extinction has been on my mind as well, Derrick Jensen and his criticism of contemporary culture, that there is no peace to be made with it, A Language Older than Words, and The Culture of Make-Believe can be caught on Google books, well portions of those books. We are fooling ourselves. How much longer do we have!? Aren’t we in the middle of an apocalypse now…

The issue of anger is something I find I return to again and again. I think our understanding of what it is, really emotions generally, is crippled, a crippled understanding. People talk about anger all the time, about getting angry, the results and effects on your life etc, but stopping it, changing it often seems beyond our power. We have no insight into the roots of our emotions, particularly anger. And insight by itself may not be enough.

Most anger I think is misdirected. The origins and original causes usually lie outside the particular situation. Still the real origin is in us, not the other person. We are constantly placing blame outside us for everything we do. I am not the cause of Michelle’s anger. She is. And she is not the cause of mine. I am. The hidden trigger is in us, not the other person.

Yet when we talk about our anger we never talk like that. We always blame everyone else. You shouldn’t have done this or that. I wouldn’t have become angry then. That is faulty reasoning. The real fault is in us. Naturally if we continually take ourselves for granted in this process, not accepting the responsibility, we never leave the circle. Anger is often a circle and without insight and responsibility a circle it remains.

I think the real source of anger is not being at home in ourselves. Now I can see this is true of me. I am not at home in myself. I can’t just find a resting place in my spirit, just anywhere, I have to find places of solace and comfort within me, but just any old place won’t do. There are many places inside me where the ground is quite hard, and doesn’t offer me comfort. I am not home in myself in that sense. I haven’t become accustomed to those places enough so that I may find comfort even there.

And when I am led across one of these places by a situation, reminded of something I want to get out of my head, such as let us say, how little money we have, I can feel like I am walking on eggshells. But I can see for instance that the real issue isn’t not having money, or lack of resources, but really is one of security in myself. I don’t feel as if I can handle this. And then when I realize the real origin, often it goes back to just this, or something comparable, I am humbled. I realize I have left Him out of the equation as I so often do. And then I have to step back and let go.

And this letting go process isn’t easy. It should be, but letting Him take over, well I wasn’t brought up like that, it isn’t easy to admit I can’t do this thing, I can’t endure this thing, I can’t do this on my own, I need help. Admitting all that I still find myself clutching the situation, or emotion, or thing whatever it is… I don’t want to let go. Finally after a kind of tug of war I begin to give in… and something else happens. There is more room inside. I don’t feel quite so trapped. There is room for His grace. I had not made room for His grace.

I go through this again and again. I don’t ever seem to quite learn it but have to continually re-learn again and again. Sometimes it seems exhausting and I wonder why I am made like this… I want this peace inside me but it seems I am continually bartering for it.

The counseling appointment was yesterday afternoon. Everything- well most of the stuff in this post was touched on in the session. I was tearful, on the edge of crying, through most of the session. Did it help…? I suppose it did. Still it was difficult. I don’t know really what to say about the session I haven’t already said in one way or another here.

We talked about working two jobs, how exhausted I am a lot of the time, finding it difficult to think straight, financial problems, tithing, putting Him first, asking for help, letting go of anger, arguments, on and on. I did most of the talking. I have scheduled two more sessions. I don’t think I can measure the impact of any of this yet.

Our gas is off. They won’t be able to turn it on again until Monday. Michelle will be angry. Well I am angry. We visited Frisco Municipal Court yesterday to inquire about her ticket. She can take a course to take care of one of the charges but the insurance thing is going to cost us in the long run. All my fault but still cheaper to have gone this route in the long run. With the ticket and all… and truthfully it would have been so difficult keeping that insurance payment up. That is the truth. Jiminy cricket we are talking at least $200 each month. It wasn’t cheap.

I have had three days off from my second job. This is the last day… tomorrow I am back at Wal-Mart for 4 days. Because we have gotten back so late from running errands after I get home I have gotten next to nothing done at home. The book rack still isn’t put together. The vacuum needs to be cleaned so we can take care of the floors and the boxes in the dining room and living room are still there. I am not sure what Michelle wants to do with the TV ‘rack’… I know she ultimately wants to get rid of it but I don’t know if she is thinking to use it for a little bit longer or not. We need to get rid of that giant TV but she has been so busy with her business I don’t know if she has had a chance to re-post to Craig’s list…

The Sixth Extinction

So much going on... this will be a sprawling post. All over the place. It’s been awhile... Arden is almost four years old. Most of that time we have had trouble making ends meet. Old news. And a part of our life... we still don’t have insurance for either Arden or Michelle...

Arden is nearing the end of ‘potty training’... he is still in the middle of this, but I think he has the idea and it’s just a matter of time until he succeeds. We sold his crib and he now has- well a real bed. We painted his room blue... it’s nice. If we can do something about the toys we will have it made. He has a couple small bookcases- Michelle and I are readers and Arden I am sure will eventually ‘absorb’ this from us. Both of us are too close to books not to...

These are enormous transitions, under are very noses, we have both noticed them, but I think- at least for me but I am sure for Chel too- they are too emotionally powerful for us to give into them more than just a little bit, otherwise they will sway us too much, we will break down crying from just the knowledge of the passing of time. He is growing up. Too fast. Way....

The more I think about leaving something behind for Arden the more my thoughts seem to turn towards cosmology and eschatology, and unfortunately apocalypse. Something about the so-called ‘Sixth Extinction’:

There is little doubt left in the minds of professional biologists that Earth is currently faced with a mounting loss of species that threatens to rival the five great mass extinctions of the geological past. As long ago as 1993, Harvard biologist E.O. Wilson estimated that Earth is currently losing something on the order of 30,000 species per year — which breaks down to the even more daunting statistic of some three species per hour. Some biologists have begun to feel that this biodiversity crisis — this “Sixth Extinction” — is even more severe, and more imminent, than Wilson had supposed. From

http://www.actionbioscience.org/newfrontiers/eldredge2.html.

http://www.accuracyingenesis.com/Holocene_extinction.html

More...

At first glance, the physically caused extinction events of the past might seem to have little or nothing to tell us about the current Sixth Extinction, which is a patently human-caused event. For there is little doubt that humans are the direct cause of ecosystem stress and species destruction in the modern world through such activities as:

· transformation of the landscape

· overexploitation of species

· pollution

· the introduction of alien species

And because Homo sapiens is clearly a species of animal (however behaviorally and ecologically peculiar an animal), the Sixth Extinction would seem to be the first recorded global extinction event that has a biotic, rather than a physical, cause.

We are bringing about massive changes in the environment.

Yet, upon further reflection, human impact on the planet is a direct analogue of the Cretaceous cometary collision. Sixty-five million years ago that extraterrestrial impact — through its sheer explosive power, followed immediately by its injections of so much debris into the upper reaches of the atmosphere that global temperatures plummeted and, most critically, photosynthesis was severely inhibited — wreaked havoc on the living systems of Earth. That is precisely what human beings are doing to the planet right now: humans are causing vast physical changes on the planet.

This is the world we are leaving behind for our sons and daughters. The sixties can be seen as a way of making peace with an awful knowledge. We can still do something... even now. But not much I tend to believe... I hope that estimation is wrong. Really I think we are talking miracle(s)...

From a review of the “X-Files” episodes with the same name:

Increasingly, The X-Files is about itself. It is turning inward, eating its own tail (tale?) in a claustrophobic story line that cannot be resolved, that endlessly frustrates, that holds no hope and frankly, no interest. Carter could dump his whole hand on the table and reveal every detail of this mythology, and by now no one would believe a word of it. I don't care any longer who is concealing what from whom. I don't want Mulder turning into a Martian--could he get any weirder than he already is? Mulder must remain an ordinary man, a character I can identify with as a hapless pawn of The Machine. But Mulder is turning into an Ubermensch, a man who can trade bodies and come out unscathed, who can be infected by black viruses and miraculously (and inexplicably) survive, who is now able to hear voices and predict the future. What next--will he leap tall buildings at a single bound?

This apotheosis of Fox Mulder is proceeding on an ever more obvious track. By the time we reach the end of "Amor Fati", Mulder is crucified, complete with crown of thorns, on an operating table. It is clear that Duchovny and Carter structured "Amor Fati" along the lines of Martin Scorsese's "The Last Temptation of Christ". The hero rescued at the last moment from death, the dream of a "normal" family life, the constant reiteration that he need no longer try to save the world, the revelation that his failure in his mission doomed the world and his best friend's (Scully) admonition that "this is not what you were supposed to do", are all derived from the novel by Nikos Kazantzakis. It is equally obvious that Duchovny and Carter missed the point of that novel. The whole intent of "The Last Temptation of Christ" was to show Christ as a true martyr, one who knew wholly and completely what life he was giving up, what pleasures and perils and ordinary events of a human life he would relinquish if he fulfilled his mission. At the end of "Last Temptation", Christ fully accepts his mission and consents to his death, dying in triumph. An unconscious man strapped to an operating table, no matter how vivid his dreams, cannot consent to his fate. Mulder is not a martyr but a victim, which makes him pitiable, not heroic.

http://www.munchkyn.com/xf-rvws/6thextinction.html...

http://www.worldandi.com/newhome/public/2004/march/writerspub.asp

In the middle too, of my pursuit of the spherical muse, another website I launched some time ago, but is meandering still, I came across a strange reference, related to the ‘phyllotaxic’ nature of the solar system, a speculation that our Sun is perhaps really a binary, with a brown dwarf for a twin.

And that the 5 or more ELE’s- Extinction Level Events- of the past millions of years- could be ‘hiding’ in its rubble our own past travels down the technological highway. That we have been here before- more than once- only to be wiped out by forces so far outside of our world we aren’t really even ‘players’ in that world, not even ‘pawns’, more like simply part of the scenery, if that.

Every 10 or 20 thousand years or so we are knocked back down- and trying to get messages across gulfs of time that large is next to impossible. So we never learn. We have been doing this for some time now. A rather grim fantasy, a version of apocalypse- well what version would be likable- not particularly to my liking.

I am feeling pretty lousy today. When this post will finally make the blog I don’t know... this is the 4^th of April... I have been sick for the past two days... the flu, a cold, I dunno... but it is difficult for me to focus on anything right now. I am about to make another transition... to working at the WalMart just down the street. Hopefully it will save a little gas. Oh I know something else I wanted to add... something from the Christian radio now... trying to imagine looking at this blog from 10 years after...

I was nineteen, you were twenty-one
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much too young
But we did it anyway

We bought our rings for forty each
From a pawn shop down the road
We made our vows and took the leap
Now fifteen years ago

We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storm
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for

"I do" are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I've heard
Is a good place to begin

'Cause the only way to find your life
Is to lay your own life down
And I believe it's an easy price
For the life that we have found

And we're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for

So when I lose my way, find me
When I loose love's chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith, till the end of all my days
When I forget my name, remind me

'Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadowlands
Till the shadows disappear

'Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos, baby,
I can dance with you

Will all these links still be here.... 10 years from now?

The Escape of Sherby

Last night Sherby was sitting at our front door waiting on us, it seemed, to make it home. Michelle had already tried bringing him back in earlier that night but he didn’t seem to want that; as a matter of fact he scratched her and she had to let go of him. He didn’t seem to want to come in when we finally got back home either… And last night, though he hung around, we couldn’t coax him back into the house.

Sherby had escaped and has been gone several days. Michelle called me at work several nights ago and had told me what happened… He was in the window in the bedroom, Michelle had left the window open, and Sherby managed to push the screen out. He jumped into the backyard and Michelle had quickly made her way back there to find him jumping over the fence..! I didn’t think he would be able to scale the fence but he did.

We have had so much going on but financially we are still in dire straits. We have had so much to deal with; really it is only with His blessing I think we have weathered everything. I had to borrow money from my brother; I am sure right now he thinks he will never see the money again. Things have been so tight for us I haven’t been able to send him anything yet; we have however sent Michelle’s Mom something… not much. That has been difficult too… but she has been having more trouble than us…. And the payday loan is still taking money out of my account to the tune of $100 each month… just interest. I haven’t even hit the loan itself yet. How wrong is this… they are making so much money off me it’s ridiculous. I agreed to it, I needed the money, still it is not right.

The rent check bounced. The brake job that cost us near 1000 dollars last month is partly to blame. The repair company has allowed us to split this payment into 4 separate payments but that really is more than we care bear... but we didn’t have a choice. We have to have a car… Michelle’s communications with Croatia added expenses to our T-Mobile bill that ran into more than a couple hundred dollars... she didn’t realize what the charges were but that hasn’t changed the fact we owe them. And of course the overdraft from last month… which in turn was a result of the other rent check that bounced. But the reason for that is because the landlord tried to deposit it before the first… something I had no idea he would attempt. But that left us in arrears and trying to make that work set us back. It’s been lots of fun…

I think it was Friday night, this past Friday night, something a little unusual happened. We had already gone to bed, most of the lights out etc. Well Michelle and I had gotten up for something, I am not sure how long ago we had gone to bed at the time but it was probably 2 or 3 in the morning, and both of us, when we walked into the living room, noticed the light out back was on, and Michelle had said she turned it out. Now this freaked her out a little bit. At first I didn’t think anything of it. Surely she just forgot…

A little bit later, we had gone back to bed, we heard one of the cats, really it sounded like Sherby, he has a distinct meow, and it sounded as if it came from just outside our bedroom door, but of course Sherby was gone and when I opened the door Araina was there. Now I started thinking about all this, laying in bed, and it seemed to me as if I noticed the light being out in the back and the door locked when I went to bed so the fact that it was on, and Michelle seemed sure she hadn’t turned it back on, well that seemed fairly strange. And it really did sound like Sherby outside the door. Araina’s meow is nothing like Sherby’s meow.

The more I thought about it the stranger it seemed, enough so I actually got up and went to the backdoor, turning on the light to look outside. Nothing. Still neither the light being on nor Sherby’s meow made sense.

Now, since we realize Sherby has found his way back home, and we didn’t know that Friday, it’s possible we both heard Sherby and thought it sounded as if the sound was coming from inside, but was actually outside. Still the light being on seems a bit mysterious. All I can imagine is either one or both of our memories are wrong or somehow the light was turned on again… uh really I have no clue how that would happen. Even if Arden did it well it doesn’t make sense why he would have done it… or if he can do it. He would have had to climb on the couch or his stool to reach it… uh all that not to mention he was in bed.

I am sure when Arden gets around to reading this, knowing all our financial woes isn’t going to be that interesting to him. I am not including as much as I should about Arden… still the point of the blog is not to justify me, or Michelle, or Arden, but to talk about our life, life in general, really if I could paint pictures in his mind… Here is something, a very little thing; still both Michelle and I were amazed.

Just a couple of days ago Arden helped me fill the gas tank… I think we have only done this together once. That was at least a month ago. The first thing I do, after paying, is open the gas tank. There is a lever under the front seat you pull up to release the door to the tank. Arden remembered this… it was the first thing he did! He is just over 3 years old… I was amazed he remembered to do that. I only showed him once, and it was a little while ago now, but he still remembers. What do you think of that baby boy?!

The Red Queen

Well I wrote this sometime last month...

"Where do I begin? I cannot concentrate on anything. I have so far spent my day 'putting out fires' as they say. This morning I had to arrange payment with T-Mobile. The cable was shut off; I had to arrange that. The water went off... I don’t think its back on yet but it should be turned back on. Of course Michelle is angry with me. Who wouldn’t be... I am angry. Not just at myself but for our situation which seems to have gotten out of hand. I had to 'borrow' $600 this month to get by... but we are still having problems. Michelle wants a divorce. I think the prospect of being rid of me is one of the few bright spots in her life outside of Arden...

I feel like the Red Queen from Through the Looking-Glass, running and running, but staying in the same place. And I am afraid if I stop running an avalanche will descend on me... I don’t know what to do. I keep praying but I don’t think my prayers have much force... Michelle doesn’t want to put up with me any longer. If I lose Michelle, and unless somehow we turn things around I will, really I am not sure what I will do. I feel very much like I am failing at just about everything, and if our relationship ends in divorce I will feel totally worthless.

So much has been going on... most of it though... just repetition... SSDD ..."

I am drowning... we are slowly edging our way to a divorce. And it seems like the longer we are together right now... the further apart we get. I dont think either of us is listening really to the other. Each of us seems to have our own agenda and Arden unfortunately sometimes gets the worst of it. He has been privy to more than one argument and no matter what happens with us I know he will remember all this time.

We seem mired in financial troubles ... I dont know how to get out of them. If I were on my own... well I would just cut out everything I dont need. I would get rid of the cable, insurance for the cats (which we are planning to do anyway... but havent yet), the gym, probably I would hang onto the internet, and I think I would get rid of T-Mobile and go with pay as you go... all that would free up well at least $150, and I would drastically cut mileage in my car and food to what I absolutely need. At least another $150 there...

Well I cant do those things. I have 3 mouths to feed, I have to make sure Arden has enough, not to mention Michelle, I cant just cut the cable, and getting rid of T-Mobile, now that are minutes are unlimited, I am sure that would be anathema to Michelle, and so... what do I do?

I have had some exchanges with a couple of Christian financial counselors, who in addition to tithing, advise all of the above and more. Michelle is on the eve of starting a job, other than Avon, I dont know what that will bring... and right now it seems we have maybe $50 to get to the next check... not quite two weeks but to paraphrase Michelle, "You are crazy if you can think we can make it last until then.." Well I think she said "not living in the real world".

Probably I am both. Crazy and not living in the real world.

I am praying... and praying. Brian Zahnd has written something I find rather compelling for where I seem be at right now... What to do on the Worst Day of Your Life... and really I feel like I am going through the worst days of my life right now. But Arden is still here... and as much as she doesnt want to be, until the divorce is put in black and white, so is Michelle... I cant see beyond this time... I cant imagine Arden growing up with somebody other than me for a father... and really it makes me angry to imagine that happening.

Something from that book:


When you have been through the worst day of your life,
you need to reorient your vision and imagination. You need
to turn your focus away from the present crisis and toward
the alternative future of recovery. This is what hope is all
about. See yourself transcending your tragedy, even if you’re
not sure yet how to get there. See yourself recovering all,
even if it seems impossible right now. See yourself coming
out of your present trouble into a place of genuine victory.
Let hope paint a new picture on the canvas of your imagination.
Your vision will give you the courage to face tomorrow
with new energy and strengthened resolve. With something
as simple as a hope-oriented vision, you are on the road to
recovering all.

Just what it seems I cant do... you know I still love Michelle. More as a matter of fact than I did in the beginning. Somehow I fail at adequately communicating this; she tells me again and again that I have done nothing but treat her as a child. Indeed I see some truth in this, but what she interprets as being treated as a child, I see simply as protecting her from the outside world. I see that as part of my responsibility as a husband. But I also see in some ways I have trespassed a boundary, that I need to let her take care of things in ways I havent done.

Here is something typical: we picked up a printer for free through freecycle. Our old printer, relatively new, a refurbished Epsom from Fry's, a local 'discount' house, is languishing. Ink cartridges are expensive... anyway Michelle wanted me to hook it up, we could still use the scanning feature, the printer we have been using doesnt have that. The cables to hook it up cant be found. Now I said I would hook it up. I promised her that. I didnt think finding the cables would be a problem. Really I thought they would be where the printer was... of course we still have stacks of boxes we havent been able to unpack. No bookshelves etc.

I had thought, well I will buy them if we cant find them, but the cables themselves are over $20 altogether, and being on a shoe-string, well not something we can do. So from where she is sitting I am a liar. I said I would do something and still it hasnt been done. And I do this all the time. So I am a liar, not someone to be trusted. Now of course I didnt imagine things would work out like this. Really it seems absurd. We may have the cables in the house somewhere, but our place is in such disarray, we have over 20 or 30 boxes, and most of them arent that light, searching through them is no mean task. The only free time I have right now is Wednesday and Friday nights, and Saturday mornings. The rest of the time is eat, sleep, and work... and even the little time I have on those days is taken up with more pressing issues, like laundry, or spending time with Arden, which I never get enough of...

Well I want us to have enough money, I want to stop struggling, I want Arden to be proud of our efforts, and I want to be able to give him options. And I want Michelle and I to be able to use our native talents, to be able to express ourselves in ways that lie closer to our hearts... and to be happy. We arent happy now.

Last but not least... this Friday is Michelle's birthday. I have a long-standing reputation of screwing this up... looks like my reputation is going to stay intact. One more reason for her not to stick around. You know I cant blame her... I have made, even in my own estimation, not a very good husband, really I wanted to say a lousy husband, and being away so much, simply working, I am about to capture a similar award for fatherhood.

Dearest Heavenly Father I ask for your forgiveness in all these things. I know I have fallen short, I know I havent done my best, and I am genuinely sorry. I am asking not just your forgiveness, but to change me, bring about that change in my heart and soul to respond positively to these failures, help me become a good father, a better father, and if you make it possible for us to stay together, help me honor and respect my wife, help me show her all that I seem to hide in my heart for her, help me make it real. In Jesus' name. Amen.

From John...

10The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

11I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.

Amen.

The Tour

We still have, in the back of our car, a television; a gift from Pam and her husband. Pam is my brother’s wife’s sister; in other words our sister-in-law. She happens to live here in Texas, actually not only goes to the church we attend, Covenant, but works there as well as an event planner. The only relatives we have in this state, at least as far as we know; something of a coincidence really.

The television weighs a ton. Well not quite a ton but it’s too heavy for my wife and myself to do anything with by ourselves. It took three of us to get it into the car- myself, Jamie, and Pam; one of us a weight lifter. Jamie, Pam’s husband, would be that one.

Now in an effort to find some muscle and aid us in moving this television into the house Arden & I took a sort of tour of our neighborhood about a week ago. The outcome of that tour was rather unusual.

We visited 5 households starting with the house across the street. We knocked several times, I could hear something inside, and finally a man opened the door. He had struggled to the door in a walker. I immediately felt embarrassed.

He had been in an accident and was still recuperating, we talked just enough for me to discover not only could he not walk very well yet, and some of his vertebra were damaged, but his left leg was in a brace and he probably had some months left in recovery. He smiled when I had told him of our original intention saying he would like to help and was sorry he couldn’t be of some assistance.

No one came to the second door, just next door to the right of his, facing the row of houses, but at the third door, one door down again, an older woman came to the door with a patch over her left eye; I excused myself and Arden, again rather embarrassed at having taken her time.

We walked back across the street to the house next to us on the right; on the right if facing the street. A woman greeted us, someone I had seen before and waved to though I didn’t really know, but this time- was it her left arm..?- it was in a cast! Well I wasn’t exactly surprised… this time.

We chatted for awhile, as I explained the purpose of our visit, she was willing to help us, well if she could, and there was no one else there at the time, though she said she had a friend that visits sometimes and he might be able to help, when he is there. She also suggested we try one door down from her; they had teenagers and might be able to help out.

We did try that final door, the 5th household. A girl came to the door, very young, probably in her teens, and after we went through the explanation, and I introduced Arden somewhere during the conversation, she explained there were no ‘men’ living with them. And the other teenagers were out, but to be honest I didn’t think they would be able really to help.

Arden enjoyed the tour, though he kept wandering off while I talked usually, and everyone was very nice.